Being Orange | Parenting | Actually Lost or Just Misguided?

In this week’s New Yorker, Jill Lepore reviews two new parenting books that hit the shelves recently:

Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood by Michael Lewis, a father of three

Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace by Ayelet Waldman, a mother of four

Both of these books began as essays posted on the popular editorial news sites Slate and Salon respectively. Lepore reports that Lewis’ writing are based mainly on his quest to figure our the rules of the “new fatherhood.” Waldman’s essays assert that there is no such thing as a “good mother.”

I couldn’t get the books at the library (they both have about 20 holds on each of them), so I Googled and found out that:

Michael Lewis is funny, really funny. And actually shared sentiments I’ve often thought myself. (Like, it’s REALLY hard to comb and style my daughters’ hair. No, seriously, why is it SO HARD to make a good pony-tail!)

The Today Show interviewed Waldman back on her book tour where she discusses why she published this book in the first place. (Check out the interview and read the first chapter of her book here) She’s well-spoken and intelligent about the fact that parenting is hard; mothers compare themselves to each other in an attempt to sooth their own neurosis about their mothering skills.

Both authors are honest with themselves and are OK with admitting to the world (literally) that they don’t see themselves as good parents, or at the very least not “Parent of the Year” parents.

In the New Yorker article, Lepore goes into a brief history of American parenting. She says that since the 1930s, magazines and books have increasingly fed and nourished the “bad parent syndrome.”  This on top of the fact that our society is changing and not really accommodating to raising children. We don’t live near or around children for sometime, and we know virtually nothing about raising them. She writes:

“In the US today, people raising children are, statistically, a minority. With the notable exception of the baby boom, the percentage of American adults living in households with children younger than fifteen has ben falling for more than a century; by 1990, it was down to about a third. The fertility rate is now just slightly more than two. The average American can expect to live into his or her seventies; the population, as everyone know, is aging, fast. Forty per cent of American babies born in 2006 were their mother’s first. We are more inexperienced and unskilled at caring for them than ever… Small families make for few economies of scale; a father finally figures out how to swaddle his baby, and the age of swaddling is over. A not uncommon experience is a mother who, upon first holding her newborn, realizes that it is the first baby she’s ever held.”

Parenting is hard; I haven’t heard many people say otherwise. Yet, if this is the state of American parenting, we are doing our families in the church if we only focus on their kids. We need to focus on parents as well. If we want parents to own their child’s faith development, we must. This is especially true if parents are already feeling beat-up for how they’re physically and emotionally raising their children. How can we ever expect them to engage something as serious as a relationship with Jesus. Let’s be honest, parents have got to be terrified they’re going to screw up; of course they want the church to take ownership of the kids.

As parents, it’s true. I’ve felt it myself, that we’re constantly told that we’re not doing something right; rarely is that message told with care and love. Even more rarely are we encouraged that we may not be as bad at parenting as we think we are. As I am in the library as I write this, I walked over to the parenting books just to see some topics and titles. More have to do with fixing all that’s wrong rather than encouraging what’s going right. From James Dobson to Dr. Spock to the SUPERNANNY, everyone has an opinion, everyone has something to say to help fix all of our parenting problems. To whom should we listen? Who should we trust?

Parents need our help. I need our help!

This past year we began a workshop/forum for first time parents. This was a chance for expecting families to ask questions to a panel of “experts.” No question was off limits. The goal was for the new parents to leave feeling that they could succeed as parents regardless of what they’re being told otherwise.

This year we have a staff person focused on developing parenting resources to help encourage parents in their journey of passing faith to their kids. We’re creating milestone events to partner with parents as they navigate the changes they face throughout their child’s life.

As we do navigate through family life, I don’t think that we as parents are lost. I think we might just be misguided by the voices to which we listen. We, their churches, need to be a positive voice that rises above the noise.

How about you? We’re always looking for good ideas. What is your family ministry doing to help parents along the way?